I think I placed the first stone of my castle walls when I was 5 years old.
It was my first day at kindergarten with my twin sister. During lunchtime a pair of sixth grade twins approached us in a closed courtyard. They blocked the exit and teased us until we both cried. I felt trapped and fearful and was unable to stop myself from crying. They called us cry-babies as they walked away laughing. I got so angry that I made a vow to my self that I would NEVER let anyone see me cry again. It was a vow I kept for over 15 years. It was a vow that would lead me to build a castle to live in.
Much of this castle I built for myself was made of control and fear.
Control became my friend. Strength became my priority.
Weakness of any kind was hidden behind closed doors.
I saw my heart as being weak, so it too was hidden behind closed doors to keep it safe. All of my relationships were maintained ‘safely’. Situations, conversations were controlled so that I could not be hurt or left vunerable. Life was lived at a distance – from within my castle.
I felt safe in this castle.
I felt protected in this castle.
One day God gave me a glimpse, a short video of the inside of my castle.
The reality so shocked me I became desperate for a way out.
It was dark inside this castle - really dark. Cold. There was no life.
No air to breathe and my heart was dying.
I knew in an instant that I needed to get out of this castle. It was not safe here – in fact it had become a prison. What upset me most was that I did not know how to leave.
I had spent so many years building this castle, taking great care to make sure everything was locked up tight, that I did not know how to get out. I had forgotten where I had put the keys and was fearful that I had thrown them away.
It was my heart that cried out to Jesus.
It was Jesus who would save me from this castle I had built for myself and show me the way home.
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