Broken at the table of preparation.
Heart exposed, emotions raw, uncertain, desperately trusting Jesus.
In the midst of this time, I get a phone call from a man I know. A friend.
“Do you want to come out for dinner?”
I was curious more than anything.
God had spoken this man’s name into my heart a few weeks before when I was overseas.
Uncertain, I say yes to dinner, somehow knowing that this was the next step in this journey of trust with Jesus.
A date, another date.
Fearful, uncertain, broken – what was Jesus or this man expecting of me?
Jesus prompts, “tell him your story Philippa”.
I was too tired to fight Jesus.
I guessed I would be rejected in this very young relationship in being vulnerable - in me being really me.
I saw it as another 'test', a trusting in my Jesus.
In a noisy café, I speak from the heart for the first time to this man, eyes downcast, words rambling on, emotions kept in check.
I finish telling him my story.
I am relieved and also internally proud that I have not broken down in tears in sharing it.
I am glad too that I have been obedient to Jesus, I have told my story, I am learning how to trust him better - regardless of the cost.
I look up to the man sitting across from me at the table.
I expect disbelief, humour, rejection, an uncomfortable silence or worse still a discrete needing to leave.
But, to my amazement, there sitting before me was a man in tears.
A man whose real heart was exposed to mine.
He apologised “I’m sorry, but I can get emotional when someone shares their heart.”
I would never have seen his heart if I had not trusted Jesus and did what he asked of me.
At that moment I was hooked – I wanted to know this man.
Fearful, uncertain, broken-hearted, curious, Jesus speaks to my heart
“You don’t need to know him or be able to trust him, just trust and rest in me.”
What an adventure, what a time of desperately trusting Jesus and speaking so vulnerably, being so real to another ‘with flesh on’ for the first time.
A slow, hard walk for me in being real with another.
So hard being obedient to the gentle prompting of Jesus to share from my heart, to trust him with the outcome.
“Here goes Lord” would be my thought to Jesus each time he would ask me to share my heart, my insecurities with this man, thinking this would certainly be what will drive him away.
Yet each time a fresh revelation of the heart of this man for me, unexpected responses of grace, or strength or understanding.
Coming to love this man, to need another with flesh on, when all I had allowed myself to need was Jesus.
Hard, oh so hard, but I knew I could trust Jesus.
Allowing another to really speak into my life, my heart - hard, oh so hard.
Feeling so exposed, so vulnerable, so weak, but desperately trusting Jesus.
Revelation through so many tears.
Tears of joy, tears of pain, tears if grief.
Tears at understanding for the first time that God had always intended me to KNOW deep relationship, friendship, not isolation.
That to be known, to need, to be vulnerable with another who loves us was part of his plan.
Dating, engagement, and marriage.
One morning, God gave me a picture of two huge doors opening and there, standing before me was my husband and surrounding him, a crowd of those whom I loved, those who had patiently waited behind my closed doors.
They were people God had hand-picked to love me, to bless me, to give me a safe place to learn how to live, to have my voice, to need , to be real, to love deeply from the heart.
Oh the grief, the tears of joy in understanding that God had made me for relationship with others.
That human relationship originated in the heart and mind of God, in the God-head: Father, Son and Spirit – the holiest of all relationships.
That it was God who determined our human relationships should help us grow, mend and know the fullness of God’s love and blessing.
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