I am still in the Room of Preparation Hiding under the table Not wanting to come out Not wanting to stand face-to-face with you Jesus. Feeling so distant from you, feeling distant for a long while.
You have revealed yet another item I have brought with me from the castle. The rose of friendship I have held onto this flower, watered it, protected it, defended it, idolised it.
his rose has been my ‘precious thing’ I have held onto it my entire journey.
I have tended this rose so carefully, so that I can say to you Jesus “Look at what I have helped grow and keep alive – see how worthy I am of your love.”
I so believed that I needed something to show you Jesus, to prove to you that I am beloved, to justify that I am a good person and therefore loveable.
I have worked hard to keep this rose alive and well.
It has cut my hands, it has lost its scent and is dying. But I have persisted, I have strived to keep it alive for without it, what have I to offer you Jesus?
I have felt such shame and disgrace at the friendship dying.
I have hidden from you Jesus as I have not been able to keep the rose alive.
I have empty hands, therefore I must hide from you Jesus.
Without my rose, what will make me worthy, OK, beloved of you Jesus?
Without my rose, you will see me for who I really am – controlling, selfish, broken sin-filled.
Will you reject me?
Will my friendship with you Jesus die like my rose?
Revelation in seeing my friendship, my behaviour, my need.
Coming to Jesus with empty hands.
Finally giving up the dead rose that I have been clutching in my hands.
My dead rose that has consumed so much of my emotions and energy.
My rose that I wrongly believed could earn your love, your approval.
Coming to you Jesus with empty hands.
Being so aware of my sinfulness and selfish determination to prove my worthiness. Relief that it was never my responsibility to look after the rose in the first place.
Coming out from under the table and drawing closer to you Jesus.
A slow realisation that your love for me has never waivered.
That you are and have always been by my side, even when I come to you with empty hands – you love me.
Help me to stand tall, to follow you Jesus.
No more coats, roses – just me and you.
I am so glad that you love empty hands and broken people Lord Jesus.
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