Going deep, wrestling with Jesus.
Not sure how to lay down the coat of grief. Tears, so many tears!
Trying to do thing in my own strength.
Still such grief, pulling away from Jesus … Why Lord Why?
A little suitcase. Battered and old.
Hidden under my coat of grief.
It was a suitcase I had carried it all the way from the castle!
What was inside?
Jesus spoke gently to me - "it is your suitcase of core beliefs."
I was shocked.
I knew what I believed.
Jesus was first in my life and I believed he loved me, that I was his, that I was loved. Mixed with this was a growing fear that maybe this was it?
I had prayed for Jesus to get to the root cause of things and maybe this was it.
What did I REALLY believe?
Would God be shocked, disappointed?
Would I die if I opened it?
I held onto my suitcase, clung to it like a drowning man would cling to a life preserver when his ship goes down. I hid under the table in the room of preparation. I did not know what else to do.
Would I trust Jesus with it?
Could we open it and look inside together?
Fear, such fear about what I would discover.
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Jesus waited.
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He waited for me in love, he waited for me in understanding, he waited for me in love.
I knew he was there waiting for me to come out from underneath the table.
I could not escape from his gaze.
I couldn’t stay under the table for ever.
From the journey so far with him, I knew I could trust Jesus my shepherd.
Leaving the castle had brought such freedom, and this was yet another step closer.
Finally I emerged and stood with my suitcase unopened at the table.
Together, Jesus and me unlocked the suitcase.
I looked, and there before me was a collection of objects.
In a weird way these objects were not unfamiliar to me, they were like old memories where the specific details have been lost, yet you know them to be true.
What did I see?
CORE BELIEF ONE: If people really KNEW me, they would reject me.
CORE BELIEF TWO: To be weak = rejection and pain. To be weak is unacceptable.
CORE BELIEF THREE: To control = being just OK. A lack of control = pain and fear.
CORE BELIEF FOUR: I am unacceptable. God and people will discover this.
CORE BELIEF FIVE: To be acceptable one must be strong, needed, and have something to offer, to contribute.
The contents terrified me and I slammed the suitcase shut.
I did not like what I saw. I felt such shame at the contents, how could I believe these things and say I loved Jesus?!
I felt if I touched them I would certainly die.
These core beliefs had dominated my life, my every action and thought, whether conscious or not.
Is all that I had done, or lived been dominated by these things? Had my relationship with Jesus been affected by these things as well?
Deep down I knew this probably was the case.
Such tearing, grief and a feeling of powerlessness.
How would I move beyond this?
I was too overwhelmed to consider the wonder and grace of God’s love in revealing to me my suitcase.
A marvellous God who knew this suitcase existed, knew the control and power it had over my life, yet had patiently waited until I was ready and able to hear, ready and able to respond, ready and able to surrender.
Ready and able to trust him enough to know they were NOT more powerful than he.
The suitcase remained shut on the table in the room of preparation.
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